The Open Post - About my high school bullying
'I shall not fear to show off true colors' he murmured to the etched windowpane. I knew I am different right from the beginning, the special child with special mannerisms, holding him back from everything which he really wanted to try out. I was always the child who upsets the stereotypes of the society, a born rebel, in short. I guess every single person of LGBTQI is a born rebel because their mere existence in this very intolerant society is a mutiny to the patriarchy. As a child, I was ignorant about my sexuality. I couldn’t get the tie-up between why me playing with girls disturbs others so much that I was forced to quit playground in my early childhood. I couldn’t comprehend why a mere walking style and the way I swing my hand in the air will muddle the neighborhood. I couldn't identify the hetero propaganda to content sexuality into binary and orientations into a singularity. Unfortunately, the teachers who shaped my childhood was unaware of a situation in which a child can't fit into the stereotypes. This, in fact, created new troubles for me. Instances of bullying were unseen and compromised or was a part of regular routine happening in the school.
|A relative shows a picture of T. Nhaveen T. Nhaveen was allegedly tortured, beaten and sodomised by his high school classmates because he was “effeminate” and that he refused to join their secret gang society. Photo credit: abcnews|
There were some teachers who really wanted to help. They insisted me to walk differently and pointed out that my walking style is feminine. This was the very first idea that I got from teachers about unfitting-ness of me in the society. I found that being feminine or expressing anything which is labeled to be feminine will be not tolerated when a male displayed it publicly. I was instructed by my high school physical training teacher to walk normally and to keep my hand straight while talking.There were instances where my Hindi language teacher related my vegetarian diet to the specific 'illness' I had. But something which was unusual in my case was my parents. They neither worried about me trying to grab a male-hetero space in the society, nor they tried to change me. Probably that kept a fire in me burning and help me to fight back against the odds.
Well, even the so-called normal behavior is not expressed I didn't compromise in achieving things in my own way. Though, in my childhood I mostly spent inside the room or in the quite large compound of ancestral home with the good company of my cousins, I had contacts with society and those where my good nonliving friends, stacked into pages and inked with passion, which humans mercilessly called books. They were nice to me and said beautiful stories about life. I evolved and so do the views. Here I am all bloomed and proud.
I do sometimes feel pity for the society that can't accept the diversity of humans. Up to sometimes I considered myself cursed and thought I would end up turning a female as I grow, which I really don't want to. But every friends and teacher were giving me the cues that I will turn to female one day. People around me insulted, accused and sympathized with my emotions (Well I don't want any). Later after early hormonal rush and self-experimenting, I found I am perfectly all right and is never ever gonna change into a female in future.
As I knew what actually bullying can affect a child and how an ignorant teacher can spoil childhood memories, I promised myself that I will never ever try to separate a human being because of his gender or orientation identities.
When I come out on facebook a lot of people un-friend (funny, it's now a verb) me, some people complained you were good before why can't you be good now? Some asked me when you will start wearing a saree!!. Some other remarked that they knew it before. There were still a good amount of people who said they are proud of me and I want to tell every single person who said they are proud of me that it's you I counted on. It's you actually gave me the power to come out. You see bravery is something people can give you, just like love. I am lifelong thankful to those backed me during terrible situations.
Someday from now in the future when a guy started loving a guy we all might treat them as normal couples, as a very normal love story. I wish they have all of it which I couldn't have in my teenage. And I promise that in future they never have to worry about holding hands or looking deep into eyes or kiss him and will not fear about updating a relationship status and will never have to hide themselves and their love.
PS: Coming out was never easy and is way fabulous than I thought.
PSS: If you can't tolerate me or any related posts Facebook has granted you freedom ultimatum to un-friend me. It takes only a few seconds to do that you know!